Sex, Love, and Television

December 2000

Even a casual channel surfer cannot help but notice a tremendous change in television content in the last few years. Gay and lesbian people are everywhere: sitcoms, talk shows, and made-for-TV dramas now routinely feature gay characters. And no longer are such roles relegated to the quirky closeted neighbor, depraved psychopath, or tragic victim; today's television homosexuals are often appealing, witty, sympathetic central characters.

We can applaud television's more inclusive programming (what kid can now think they're "the only one"?), yet a closer look at the sexual attitudes and values projected by even the most gay-friendly shows reveals that much of the recent progress has been superficial. We have a long way to go before television reflects a society wherein deadening notions about sex and the destructive confusion of sexual turn-on with love are replaced by more rational and humane values.

Though they profess a hipper attitude wherein puerile sexual joking is allowed (though gay characters must be more circumspect in their lust), today's TV shows still understand "love" as a treacly sentiment. This love is easily felt for strangers or those recently-met, for it is really just a euphemism for sexual attraction. Characters "fall in love" with a glance. Because sex is dirty, sexual attraction must be dressed up as love if it is to be taken "seriously."

But love isn't a sentiment. It is a decision. Love isn't what makes your dick hard. It is a commitment to treat someone else's needs on par with your own. Honesty, loyalty, compassion not sexual attraction signal love's presence.

Confusing romance (the mask for sexual attraction) with real love is the source of much heartache. Sentimental lovebirds (on TV or in real life) often fall into the same pattern. The initial weeks of getting to know someone are full of "love"; the sex is hot, and the unknown aspects of the love object can be filled in with idealized fantasy. But, over time, a real person comes into focus, and the heat unique to initial sexual couplings fades. These romantics then begin to have doubts about their love. They eventually dump their prince charming and begin shopping for another, someone whose truer love will signal itself by more intense sexual longing. After several of these cycles, such lovebirds often become bitter, blaming others for being incapable of love, when, in fact, it is their own terrible misunderstanding that is the source of their frustration.

As gay people, we have had to challenge society's sexual expectations, so we have head start at avoiding the woe that inevitably comes from sexual attraction masquerading as love. We can recognize that conscious decisions form a far better foundation for relationships than something as fickle as sexual attraction. Relationships based on real love don't panic when the initial sexual fireworks naturally mature; pleasant familiarity and trust are the rewards of a long-term loving sexual relationship. And since possessive jealousy sexual or otherwise is not part of a loving relationship, real lovers need not forego the thrills that new playmates can provide.

But today's new television characters, like all too many in real life, still confuse love with sexual attraction, thereby missing out not only on sex enjoyed for its own sake, but also on a richer understanding of love.

While TV's new gay visibility is appreciated, let's look forward to a time when gay characters on TV aren't simply as stupid as their straight counterparts, but instead reflect a new understanding that love is about something more profound than how or where or with whom we rub our genitals.

Pasted from <http://guidemag.com/magcontent/invokemagcontent.cfm?ID=7D3656C3-BB0B-11D4-A7B900A0C9D84F02>