A Valentine’s Message

February 2008

The great chronicler of gay sex Boyd McDonald was fond of repeating the aphorism “How often have we gone out looking for sex but found only love.” As he did so often, Boyd managed to lampoon our culture’s inverted sexual values with words that seem, at first, to be twisted in order to amuse. But Boyd wasn’t just being clever or ironic — his seemingly mangled proverb, taken at face-value, exposes how we are ill-served by prevalent attitudes about sex and love.

“Love,” as used in Boyd’s maxim, is a treacly sentiment. This love is easily felt for strangers or those recently-met, for it is really just a euphemism for sexual attraction. Characters in fairy tales, soap operas, and even — as Boyd notes — gay cruising “fall in love” with a glance. Our culture doesn’t allow the handsome prince — upon spying the demure damsel — to exclaim, “Boy, I’d like a romp in the sack with her!” Instead, he must fall in love and court her with romantic gestures. Because sex is “dirty,” sexual attraction must be dressed up as love. This understanding of love and similar games of courtship are played out throughout gay life. In personal ads, bar conversations, and even porn fantasies, sexual desire is “redeemed” by love’s purity.

But love isn’t a sentiment. It is a decision. Love isn’t what makes your dick hard. It is a commitment to treat someone else’s needs on par with your own. Honesty, loyalty, and compassion — not sexual attraction — signal love’s presence.

Confusing gooey love (the mask for sexual attraction) with real love is the source of much heartache. Sentimental lovebirds often fall into the same pattern. The initial few weeks (or months) of getting to know someone are full of “love”; the sex is hot, and the unknown aspects of their love objects can be filled in with idealized fantasy. But, over time, a real person comes into focus, and the heat unique to initial sexual couplings fades. These lovebirds then begin to have doubts about their love. They eventually dump their prince charming and begin shopping for another, someone whose truer love will signal itself by more intense sexual longing. After several of these cycles, such lovebirds often become bitter, blaming men for being incapable of love, when, in fact, it is their own terrible misunderstanding that is the source of their frustration.

As gay people, we have a head start at avoiding the woe that inevitably comes from sexual attraction masquerading as love. We can recognize that conscious decisions form a far better foundation for relationships than something as fickle as sexual attraction. Relationships based on real love don’t panic when the initial sexual fireworks naturally mature; pleasant familiarity and trust are the rewards of a long-term loving sexual relationship. And since possessive jealousy — sexual or otherwise — is not part of a loving relationship, real lovers need not forego the sexual thrills that new playmates can provide.

But as Boyd’s aphorism laments, many gay men succumb to modeling their sex and love lives on fairy tales and soap operas. They thereby miss out not only on sex enjoyed for its own sake, but also on a richer understanding of love.

Having learned to chuck out all the lies we were ever taught about gay sex, let’s also have the courage to proclaim the truth about love. This Valentine’s season, let’s commit ourselves to showing the world that love is about something more profound than how or where or with whom we rub our genitals. Let’s make gay sex fun and gay love real.

Reprinted from The Guide, February 1999

Pasted from <http://guidemag.com/magcontent/invokemagcontent.cfm?ID=F013E06B-A1CA-4210-B1AC92BC524500A6>